Each night I lay down in disbelief at the passing of another day where we still haven’t met this babe. Each morning I wake up to another long day of anticipation. Balancing here at the peak of pregnancy, I see both the past and future of our family: sweetest adventures as two, then our last four years as three and the unfolding of life with our fourth member. A full night’s rest is not taken for granted, yet still I wake often with only one thought in my mind… This heaviness is a person. This great round middle part of me will soon be presented as his own. What a mystery, what a gift. We can’t wait to meet you, little love.
Three years ago today I got to hang out with an adorable eight month old in Roslindale, Boston.
Two years ago today we lived in a lovely home with dear friends in Savannah. Unknown to us, we were about to begin one of the hardest seasons of life yet.
One year ago today we set up a Christmas tree in our very own home after playing in the field and eating Krispy Kreme donuts (appropriately, with the same dear friends we shared a home with in 2013).
One month from today I am due with our second son.
Today, on this 9th day of Advent, it feels appropriate to [finally] begin documenting an exciting new season of life, whatever it may bring.
i will never forget my 25th birthday. not because there was a crazy awesome party. not because we executed my great planned out morning. the things i planned did not happen at all. instead we woke up to a great disturbance in our city, and were “sheltered-in-place” for almost the entire day. being a few miles from the center of the chaos, our little village felt fairly normal, but there was a serious eerie feeling going around. my soul just felt off, you know? at the 6pm briefing, it’s safe to say the whole city felt even more perplexed than it had all day. thinking this 19 year old brother had straight up disappeared from watertown seemed crazy. it honestly felt like we were being lied to. the police/swat/fbi/bomb squad/official presence in that area was so intense. i felt like maybe the door-to-door search in watertown was just a waste… but either way. imagining this kid hunkered down in a boat bleeding out… wondering what thoughts were running through his head. now listen, i’m not sympathetic toward this guy. but still, he is a human. he is just a kid. thinking of myself at 19 years old… i didn’t know what my life was going to look like. i had no idea. maybe he just latched on to something horrible, something his brother talked him into, or something he was just trying on for size because he didn’t know what his life was meant for. something he probably believed was radical and would make a statement, but he never thought he’d be hiding in a boat in watertown feeling like he was dying. i mean, robert and i looked at at several apartments in watertown with our baby just a couple months old. i’m not trying to make this tragedy about me, but really? what if we were some of the folks looking out windows thursday night or standing on the back porch in the spring breeze just to hear explosions, gunfire, and all around horror. anyway, it’s hard to sort all these thoughts out. but i just can’t help but think, God ultimately loves dzhokhar tsarnaev. He hates what this kid did and is probably burning with rage and justice, but don’t i believe God loves him too? moses killed a guy and buried him in the sand. and so many people who ended up being saints were full of depravity at a point in their story. i think of the apostle paul, a guy who seriously hated others and wanted them to die.. until he was struck blind and changed his way. well, this is just another thought i am trying to sort out. the whole week i was just thinking, i bet the bombers are just some kids who were trying to make a big statement. maybe they are connected to a larger group. maybe not. either way, i feel like any human being can turn on a dime and become just as messed up inside. we are all walking a fine line between being completely wrecked and reckless or being humbled by this choice we have… to say i’m done. i need something better than this. i need true life or nothing at all.
all i know for sure is that we must pray, Lord have mercy. Christ have mercy. save me, a sinner. keep the darkness far from us. lead us to your light. amen.